What is love and attachment and how do we balance them in our relationships?
Love is such a tricky word because it encompasses more than just one definite feeling. Love is caring, understanding, yearning, longing, belonging and so much more. If you want to understand what love is then you can read more here.
Attachment on the other hand has a more scientific back up for us to understand our social construct more than just some feelings we have. Since the beginning of our evolution, humans have always gathered as a group and with that, they form their own social construct and behaviors that help them live among each other peacefully. But it started deeper than that, it started between its mother and its child.
The attachment theory is the stages of bonds from our childhood days to adulthood. (See more Bowlby & Ainsworth: What Is Attachment Theory? (verywellmind.com)). But as we develop more relationships with different people our attachment is also learning its way. What our minds and habits tend to forget is that the relationship and bond we first learned from our parents is not the same as other people around us. When we start having romantic relationships, our habits know not when to be less attached and throw ourselves into an autopilot. If your habits were to be a caretaker then you will do anything and everything for that person. If your habits are to be taken care of then you will want to be spoilt rotten.
Our love language is learned from how we receive and give love in our childhood. If in our path there were some difficulties, then that will also affect our attachment level. But that is the boring long science that you can read elsewhere. How do we balance our love and attachment?
Boundaries and independence are a must!
Isn’t it funny how in our teenage years, we fight so vigorously hard with our parents to have independence only to find ourselves wanting a romantic relationship that is somewhat in its construct dependent? When we think about wanting to start a family with someone we often throw ourselves literally and figuratively in the other person’s arm and forgetting that independence we’ve had and established. We all want to be taken care of and pampered but we also want that sense of self to maintain. This is why it is important to check our habits every now and then.
Even if you are in a serious relationship or married, you are still your own person and you need to have a part of your life that is yours and yours alone. A boundary is not to be selfish or maliciously hide something from the other person but it is to have a space that says “mine”. That boundary will then give you the independence to be what you want to be and the freedom to un-attach to others once in a while. That can be found in activities or hobbies you may do for yourself every day.
What have you done for yourself and just you lately? Without the thought of having to be a caretaker and the world’s responsibility at your shoulder, what do you want for yourself?
It is very common to forget who you are when you are in a relationship. But when love and attachment become too strong that you have no longer any control within yourself then that is the time to start detaching. Not to end a relationship without, although maybe if the attachment is too strong there might be some other deep-rooted problems there, but to take a breath and give yourself a timeout. Love is an everyday process of learning and evolving and if you are stagnant then something is not right.
May you all find the love that is good and full!
